Registered: Dec 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 19

OK ladies...Here's a little payback for all those men that think
female blonde jokes are so funny....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
.........

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walgreens and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

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• Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
  
  
• CAR TROUBLE
  A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
  
  
• SPEEDING TICKET
  A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very Nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys Would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then Today you expect me to show it to you!"
  
  
  
• RIVER WALK
  There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another Blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to The other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and Shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
  
  
• KNITTING
  A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
  
  
• BLONDE ON THE SUN
  A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first On the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
  
  
• IN A VACUUM
  A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If You are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
  
  
• A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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Two blondes were sitting in a Starbucks.
Blonde #1 was reading the headline of the newspaper which said,"Brazilian Killed in Explosion."

She turns to blonde #2 and says:


Ready?


Wait for it!!!


How many is a Brazilian?

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A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out- "THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO

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LOL! I can't post the whole thing here, so I'll just give you the link: Best Blonde Joke Ever

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"


The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly........com-for-da-bull

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ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"

The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????



CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver's license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "Oh yeah? We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science/Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!!"

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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

"I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

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A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She tells the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk asks, "What denomination?

Puzzled, the blonde exclaims, "God help us!" Has it come to this? Give me six Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist."

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Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembl ing a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. L et's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .




(scroll down)












"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turn s green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CHICAGO and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

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A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling:

'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

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